90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I intend to get homeless drunk
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
