Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
