i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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