I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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