I accidentally had phone sex last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
