There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
