i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
