so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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