I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im about as happy as oj after his trial
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize