I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Randomize
