I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
where are my eyebrows?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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