I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
