if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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