I heard we made out
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
