SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
