I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
