I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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