my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
