The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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