You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
