Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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