Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
