I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
