Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
