He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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