Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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