omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I checked into jail on foursquare
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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