yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
