Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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