he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
