Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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