Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
