nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
