I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
home. puking in laundry basket.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
