i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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