mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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