I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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