Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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