you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hippo gnu deer
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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