my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
