HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
