We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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