just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
