I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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