Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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