1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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