opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
