I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
