I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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