Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
