my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
