so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize