my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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