I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
