I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
