I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
