nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize