We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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