Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
