when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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