i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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