awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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