fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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